AlterLAHtive

The Forgotten Blog

I thought I posted this blog several weeks ago but I only realised it didn't get online when I checked yesterday.

The Hunt for Wild Cheesecake

Once upon a time, the small autonomous proletariat colonial outpost of Anti-poetry was captured by famine. Starvation held its citizens in thrall, enslaving them to a vicious cycle of struggling to find just enough food to survive each day.

In this time of crisis, a Nameless Hero appeared, motivated by an over-abundance of testosterone and the resulting stimulated delusions of grandeur (the usual fame, fortune and female attention) to save the small autonomous proletariat colonial outpost of Anti-poetry.

At the start of his quest, the Nameless Hero sought the Grandmaster of the Way of the Cheesecake in the Monastery of the High Confectionary. He met the arch-abbot and asked for the Trusty Fork and Reliable Spoon to hunt down a cheesecake which escaped into the chilling wilderness known as The Fridge several days earlier.

The Grandmaster of the Way of the Cheesecake (a nice old man who received the gift of enlightenment from many cheesecakes) gave the Nameless Hero the Trusty Fork and Reliable Spoon. He also gave a piece of advice to the young adventurer – do not hunt the wild cheesecake. However, the Nameless Hero is a stereotypical adrenaline addicted action adventurer – he never listens to advice.

So off the Nameless Hero went to the cold wasteland of The Fridge. For days he wandered the frozen landscape until he found a trail of crumbs – a sign of the hunted beast. With renewed resolve, he followed the tracks for another day before he finally caught sight of his elusive and deadly prey.

It was far different from the domestic cheesecakes found on the shelves of pastry shops or expensive eateries. Time spent living in the wild has twisted the formerly tame snack into a dangerous feral creature. A thick hide of frozen cream protected the animal while huge feet of hardened biscuit promised to squash any wannabe-predator into pink mush.

But the Nameless Hero was not frightened. He had the Trusty Fork and Reliable Spoon - he could be defeated. He thumped his chest, gave a loud yell and rushed at the wild cheesecake.

The wild cheesecake responded to the approaching threat by honking thunderously and stomping with earth-shaking fury before charging to meet its hunter. A massive foot lifted up and tried to squish the Nameless Hero into a juiceless pulp but he managed to roll out of the way. As he stood up, the wild cheesecake turned around quickly and slammed him into the air with its side of frosted chocolate.

The Nameless Hero landed painfully. Through a haze of agony, he felt the ground shake with heavy footsteps. Excruciatingly, he looked up and saw the enormous monster was lifting a gigantic foot to finish him off.

Completely driven by raw desperation, the endangered hunter thrusted the Trusty Fork upwards with all his might. The mighty weapon penetrated the hide of the beast and pierced its cheesy innards. The great beast collapsed in pain. It struggled to stand up again but laboured to just breathe.

The Nameless Hero was aching in places he didn’t even know he had. But he valiantly picked himself up and hobbled like a geriatric over to the dying cheesecake. He could hear its struggling heartbeats as it stared at him with accusing eyes and gave a mournful hoot. As the heartbeats slowed, it closed its eyes and lay still until the only sound was the wind blowing through the icy emptiness of the Fridge.

Although it has gone feral, the wild cheesecake still had the power of enlightenment and at the poignant moment of its death, it bestowed its gift on the Nameless Hero. It was a lesson about the preciousness of life, beauty of the wild and the hunting of animals. Unfortunately, the Nameless Hero is too stupid to understand it.

Somehow, the Nameless Hero managed to drag the carcass of the wild cheesecake back to the hungry people of the small autonomous proletariat colonial outpost of Anti-poetry. A feast was held and amidst the celebration hailing the Nameless Hero for ending the famine, everyone except the Grandmaster of the Way of the Cheesecake ate cheesecake.

The next day, the reason for the Grandmaster of the Way of the Cheesecake refusal to eat cheesecake was made clear when everyone suffered food poisoning from eating stale cheesecake.

Undepressed

I think my depressed friend, the one I refer to as Crystal, is not depressed anymore. I have been seeing less and less of her.

I think it has something to do with my suggestion for her to find something to do. I told her that I noticed a lot of my other friends were searching for something. They wanted life to have more meaning than going to work and earning money.

One former colleague helps her church. Another wants to do volunteer work. My personal tech consultant loves to tinker with gadgets while his girlfriend and her sister are taking salsa lessons. Pilot is breaking his bones doing real mountain biking. A good friend re-discovered singing for fun. The Dvians sing for the same reason. Meanwhile, the gamers and I have our games. I also started scuba diving. All of us are enriching our lives through our hobbies, although with different levels of success. We learn new things and meet new people.

Crystal told me that she knows how to dance already but not the salsa and has always dreamed of doing it. I thought she would ask me to help her find a place which teaches it but she found a place on her own and signed up for it immediately.

We met up twice after that. Then she didn’t call me for more than two weeks. The next time we met was several days later but she had started to become more of her old self already. She had recovered some weight and was looking a lot healthier. However, she did not have the same glow that was in Elva when she decided to take charge of her own life.

We had a long talk and I learnt that she is making new friends. Friends of her own, not friends of her forgetful boyfriend. Apparently he called her recently and she is very happy about it but she seemed to be more interested in talking about salsa than him. At one point, the conversation focused on me but I smoothly changed the subject. I learnt a few things after years of watching Playboy lie his way through many sticky situations (skill in lying has improved to 31). Or maybe she just realised I didn’t want to talk.

Anyways, Crystal said she has finally gotten over her emotional episodes. In the end, I wasn’t much help, she solved her own problem. Maybe she’ll be a stronger person from this experience and in the future she can look back and laugh about this.

But I am proud of myself. I played the role of good friend to perfection. Maybe for the wrong reasons but it was all for the best.

Overheard

The spate of natural disasters has exposed some interesting opinions.

1. The floods in New Orleans are a sign of God’s wrath against the US.

2. The earthquake in Pakistan is a sign of God’s wrath against Islam.

3. The natural disasters are a sign of God’s wrath against humans for going to war.

4. The natural disasters are a sign of Mother Nature getting ready to lay the smack down on humans for polluting the environment.

5. The end of the world is nigh.

Meanwhile, if you read the newspapers, you can still find “Bomb in Iraq kills XXX”.

It’s great to know there is still no cure for stupidity.

New Game

Anansa has given me a challenge: She wants to play a male character in an evil story for her next game.

Nothing she does can scandalize me anymore. Her first character was a vengeance driven gay ninja (in Way of the Mad Dragon). Her second character was a female bisexual psychic who was promiscuous with impunity while trying to save the galaxy (in Starcross). After four games with her, I think I can deal with anything she does as a player.

Her next game is the “Shards of a Shattered World” story. The character she created is named Marklin Asheron, an Iron Wizard from the violent and chaotic world of Karas. His objective in life is to get rich at all cost. This will be her fifth game and first time playing an evil campaign. It will also be her first time playing a magician.

Evil campaigns are rare. In 15 years of playing RPGs, I have only conducted two evil campaigns. However, I’m sure she will enjoy it. After playing a very normal and very nice young lady in her last game (Paradisian History), I think she is feeling the need to cut loose and go crazy.

Quack Quack

The Doctor was in town but I was too busy to meet him. In a 15-minute rant over the phone, he told me:
- he sees more blood in one shift than in most horror movies.
- he gets three hours of sleep in 72 hours and that is considered normal.
- people do bloody stupid things to themselves and he has to clean up their bloody mess.
- if the public was a little more educated (or finds out what really goes on inside public hospitals), there would be 100 times more lawsuits against public hospitals.